Aug 31, 2009

Kill Me

It's 10:30PM and I am still at work. Why you ask? Beats the shit out of me. Blog postings were scarce this weekend as I was nursing the mother load of hangovers. Seriously I wanted someone to just put me out of my misery. Why is it that you start out the night thinking "Woooo!!! Let's git duurunk!!", without thinking of the consequences? I mean, it always happens that upon awakening in the morning you feel like a dead cow, withering in the desert with sand filling up your orifices. It's like you have a mental block upon the first drink of the night and then after the tenth your brain is all "Whhhaaa?? I gunna ralph? Nawww!!"
And then you wake up in the morning and die. Which I did, a couple of times.

Aug 28, 2009

I Might Be A Less Than Respectable Person

The other day I was on the subway when a 'less then respectable' person entered and sat down beside a pretty Asian girl. This man started chatting in semi-incoherent verse to her and he was just so gleeful that she was not getting up to move away. Good for her.
He was so happy that all he could think of to do in his elation was to hand her a bouquet of wrapped up dead flowers. And she accepted them.
And all I could think as I was watching this transaction was, thank god it wasn't ME this time. Because I am telling you, it's ALWAYS me.

Resident Evil 4

Look guys, I know I keep talking about old games but I only started this blog a while ago and I feel the need to talk about these games because they are amazing. So up next is Resident Evil 4. I remember sitting down on the floor in Dave's old apartment we lovingly nick-named 'The Dungeon', on account of it being in a basement and not having one SINGLE window. Oh how the pimply nerds in us loved that apartment. Anyway, I had a lot of beer and all the time in the world to start playing the next game in the Resident Evil series and oh, was I excited. This game has it all: action, crazy shootouts and shit-in-the-pants inducing horror scenes. I had been warned before I played that I had to pay attention AT ALL TIMES because you never knew when a cut scene was going to turn into game play. The first time that this happened I put down the controller for three seconds to watch the cinematic and take a drink of my beer and the next thing I knew: I was all "What the?" and Dave was, "I told you so" with a gleeful smile on his face. This game really is epic in the sense that the plot is so well written and the storyline so epic. No corners were cut to make this third person shooter a heroic saga. It is a long, awesome game. IGN gave it a 9.5 "Incredible" rating for it's release in 2005. PlayStation Magazine named it the 2005 Game of the Year. Can I point out any more accolades so that you will go and play it??
I don't want to go into too much of the game play and storyline here because this is truly a game that needs to be experienced on your own. With a lot of beer. And maybe a little of the weed. The only question that needs to be asked is:
What are you buying?

Dedicated to You

Such a chill song. John Holt's Stick By Me (And I'll Stick By You) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqhK0w4NIQM Listen and be happy!

Aug 27, 2009

Uhhhhh...

So Dave and I decided to go on our first ZipCar adventure tonight. If you are not familiar with ZipCar it's a really cool car sharing program that allows you to essentially rent a car for super cheap if you are a member and pay an annual fee. Your annual fee includes unlimited amounts of gas, insurance, and 200km a day. How ridiculous is this annual fee you ask? We paid $55. That's right. And tonight we went online and rented the car for an hour to go to Dairy Queen. This endeavor cost us about $18. When you think about what it would have cost for the two of us to take the TTC to Dairy Queen (which really would not have been worth it) you will see that ZipCar is freaking AWESOME.

So before we go to Dairy Queen we decide to wet our palettes with a little bit o' McDonald's. Because when Dave and I go on a date, we go ALL out baby. There was a six pack of beer in the trunk for later. So we are at McDonald's and we are up ordering our food when we hear a commotion going on at the drive-thru window. A couple of girls were in their car yelling that the girl on the drive-thru headset was rude to them and they wanted the manager to do something about it. The manager was trying to placate them by telling them that she was going to reprimand her employee later, but this answer was not good enough for these girls in their car. They wanted to be served this girl's head on a platter. With fries.

Aug 25, 2009

Gross Me Out the Door

Two recent instances in which I am reminded again that I am pimply adolescent boy:
  1. "Thanks for buying me soap Di. I was waiting to see how long I could go without bathing"
  2. "I really like my new shampoo. The only problem is that it makes my hair feel greasy after two days. That's two days SOONER than my usual four".
These were actual sentences that came out of my mouth. In front of people. I am prepping to be a very comfortable 80- year-old woman.

Aug 24, 2009

I Love This City

A Life List

There are so many things I want to do in this life. The year 2010 is swiftly coming upon us and I have made a list in my mind of things I want to try and experience from now until the end of next year. As I do each of these things I will post about it, and write of my experiences as they come. So here goes:

  1. Join a class. Any kind of class: Drawing, sewing, yoga. Just to try something new. Done


  2. Learn to play guitar. Something I have always wanted to do, but does not come easy for me.


  3. Climb up the CN Tower. Post about that one coming soon!


  4. Walk at least 100km of the Bruce Trail. Eventually my plan is to try and do 400km of the 600km trail, but that is going to take time and training on my part. I have to re-learn how to pee outside.


  5. Get another tattoo. I am thinking a sleeve of pretty flowers. In homage to my Baba.


  6. Winter camping.


  7. Sky diving. Oh god. Where I learn to pee in mid air.


  8. Make an entire outfit of my own.


  9. Take a nutrition course.


  10. Get my G1. Finally. I am almost fucking 30. This is almost as embarrassing as my ghetto computer.


And there you have it. I am going to try my hardest to do ALL of these things in the time frame of this year and next. Who knows? If I put my mind to it I can do anything right?

I'm Not Getting Older....I'm Just Getting Better!

This year I am turning 30. I am quite excited about this. I know so many people who dread this time in their life as it symbolizes getting old and losing your sense of 'cool'. I am not going to lie, I have experienced this myself in the last couple of years and it does make me feel old. I remember the first time I really felt this way was when my friend and I went to a bar and I swear to Christ it was underage night. I was a good 8-10 years older than most of the girls in the room, and the guys were so young I don't think they had the ability to grow any facial hair. We kind of just stood around and drank, and GOD I felt like such a tool. The night was capped off when two guys tried to pick us up. These guys were probably 19 and I remember they asked me what school I went to. I told them I was their teacher.

I just can't do the dance thing anymore. I mean, I am not really the dancing type. Whenever I would get drunk enough that I would allow my friends to drag me out to club, I was more the 'dance like an asshole' kind of girl. Girls are SO SERIOUS sometimes when they dance, like it is their calling in life to go out on Friday night and dance at a club. FOR FREE. Because they just wanna dance!!

Aug 21, 2009

Help Me Out People!

I have a confession. I have been creating and updating this blog using a sorry excuse for a computer. This little beast has been a constant source of contention in my life, and I am counting down the days until I can smash it. Blow it up maybe? Either way, it will die a noble death and I will be SURE to post the pictures.

I am working off of a Hewlett-Packard Pavilion, that was built in 1999. I want you all to take a moment and recognize that you are in the presence of a saintly figure here. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen. Although to be honest this piece of crap is less of a saintly figure and more of an old man drinking out of a brown paper bag, waiting for his life to end. The poor thing is dying, and has been for a couple of years now. It takes an entire 10-15 minutes to complete the initial start up, and it is forever sending me little error messages for no reason. Just to show me how much it cares you know? Back in early 2008 one of the hinges broke, and I spent a good 15 minutes laughing about it because it was just so.....FUNNY.



If I am not careful the screen tries to eat my fingers because it wont stay up on its own anymore on account of the awesome hinge. The cord is being held together with packing tape. Let's face it folks, I need a new computer because this is just embarrassing.

What would you suggest as far as computers go?

Oh, and stay tuned because when I do finally get a new computer, this one is going to meet its maker.

Toronto=Oz?

Last night we had one of the worst storms I have ever seen in my life. And I lived in the country for 10 years!
Dave and I were walking home from work last night and it was a bit rumbly and dark. I remember thinking to myself "This is going to be a wussy storm" and I actually made fun of the weak peals of thunder that we were hearing as we walked. We arrived home with nary a drop of water from the sky in sight, but once we were inside we did not have to wait long. Our apartment got pitch black within minutes and I got all excited...I love a good storm. But my excitement quickly changed to fear when I looked outside and saw the rain being blown in every direction by the violent winds. It was like we were watching a mini tornado form with the rain water, as it was swirling around as if calling for its bigger brother to come out to play. I was honestly really scared watching this storm. My brain kept thinking, "I hope someone is home downstairs and we have enough time to grab the cats so we can hide out in the basement".
Anyway, all was well with us, but unfortunately not so for others. Check out these links to read more about the storm:
The last link (blogTO) has some amazing pictures of the storm during and after. The colour of the sky is breathtaking.

Aug 19, 2009

All I Want For Wednesday is.....

Themed home theaters. So cool.

Strange Debate

My friend and I were having a conversation about chicken because I had brought up what I had for dinner last night. Dave likes roasted chicken and I DO NOT, on account of all the nasty bones and tendons and gristle and fat. Now I know this is cause for some debate because I KNOW that chicken on the bone has more flavour than just skinless boneless hunks of delicious poultry. So please do not think that I do not understand this, I do. Its just, to me, I get really sick to my stomach when you have to pop legs out of joints and scrape your teeth against wings and remove fat from your mouth while you are eating. I prefer my chicken to look like nothing other than a pretty pink NOTHING, a blank canvas if you will, something that allows me to add my own flavours to it that do not taste like rotting dead corpse. I mean, uhhh, right, I said that chicken with the bone in tastes good, right.

This not only goes for chicken, but for ALL types of meat. A hamburger doesn't look like a face, nor do I have to strip anything away from a carcass to enjoy the meat in my mouth (oh!). I obviously realize that SOMEONE had to do this before I was able to enjoy my faceless meat, but hey, that's their prerogative. I appreciate that I don't have to.

Aug 18, 2009

Taking A Walk Down Memory Lane

In my last post I talked about OSAP, and that made me reminisce about University. I went to a pretty good school (I believe it was all an accident that I was accepted there, but some would tell me to own up to my greatness) and I was lucky enough to have that good school be beautiful as well. I loved my campus. I loved walking to and from class in the Fall when the weather was brisk and you needed to walk quickly to keep yourself warm. I loved that the mature trees lining every walkway would change to the most spectacular colors and the crunch of the leaves underfoot was music to my ears.

I lived in residence and I was known as the floor 'mother' as I was the oldest (but man could I already hold my liquor!). Some of the kids I lived with were so...green when it came to partying and they did what EVERY kid does when they experience a taste of freedom, they went crazzzzzyy. I did a little bit myself as well, but I was mostly busy being too studious and too uptight when it came to the lack of phone calls my boyfriend at the time didn't make to me. God, its a little embarrassing thinking about what a stick in the mud I might have seemed like to a lot of people in my life then, when really I had always been the weirdest and craziest of the bunch. But not that year! Too much was at stake and I had an irrational feeling that if I didn't shove 100 pickles up my ass then my sense of control would have spiralled out of, well...control.

Douchey McDouche

About a month ago I was sent a lovely little letter in the mail claiming that I was delinquent in paying back a two thousand dollar bank loan from the year 2000. Now, this claim was in fact, correct, BUT.....this loan was part of an OSAP loan. I learned that before 2001 OSAP was dealt with through the bank. Right, ok, I vaguely remember going to the bank my first week of university when I had to do about oh, THREE THOUSAND other things in order to be able to attend my school. But I digress....the point is, nobody informed me that since I was finished my post-secondary education at said school, I now had to pay back this $2000 loan.

Now, keep in mind that I have already been paying my OSAP back for the last year so I am NOT a delinquent. I stupidly assumed that this other loan that no one reminded me about was attached to the rest of my OSAP and was being taken care of by my ridiculously high payments each month. Payments that could comfortably allow me to pay a mortgage on a house. A BIG house. But this is not so. It was explained to me by the bank when I called them to complain about the fact that they could have TOLD me before they sent the loan off to a credit collection agency and hurt my feelings that this was viewed as a completely separate loan from OSAP and that I should have been updating my address information so that they could have called me to remind me about the loan. What I dont understand is that when I applied for interest relief for my OSAP every 6 months why: a) the interest relief applied to BOTH my OSAP and this completely separate bank loan (?) and b) why they were not getting my address information from the forms that were applied to BOTH. Fuckers.

Aug 17, 2009

Aug 10, 2009

Update: Beasts From The Past

There is one living in my house RIGHT NOW. I got up to go to the washroom two nights ago and it scurried out from under my foot. It ran under the magazine holding device (rack? thing?) which is directly across from the toilet, about two feet away. I bent over and kept my eye on the prehistoric mammoth and had a little chat with it: I promised it I wouldnt throw it outside and it could hunt all the bugs it wanted in my apartment if it would just stay away from me. I would never kill it because that is mean, but I would by god catch it gently in a glass and lower it slowly on to the pavement a few inches from my front door if I had half a mind!!
Needless to say my eyes never left the spot under the magazine rack thing and it knew not to move. I had to lower my pajama pants and sit with my feet sideways because there was no trust there you see? I could not be in such a prone position as this and have it charge at me head on. I had to at least employ some sort of survival tactic as I at that point was fearing for my life. My eyes never left its eyes, and I knew it could see me. But thankfully, it waited until I was finished before it ran its creepy zig-zagging way out from under the magazine thing, and I was able to screech like a little girl and run out of the bathroom to hide under my covers.

Oh hi!

Which Gangster Do I Take Out?

Spolier Alert Folks
So I am playing GTA 4 last night when all of a sudden I am faced with an extremely hard decision: Playboy X wants me to kill Dwayne Forge, and Dwayne Forge wants me to kill Playboy X. Now, I have done jobs for both of these guys and been rewarded handsomely, but I always sort of got the impression that Dwayne was the ringleader. I mean, he had just served hard time and was lamenting the fact that his girl was with a new man (who he asked me to take care of). Playboy seems like such a punk next to the likes of Dwayne, although he DOES live in a nicer apartment. He seems so carefree, with a 'que sera' type attitude. He even explained to me last night in a very heartfelt speech that the reason he was a gangster is because he is doing it for the children. He wants to make some money so he can build parks and schools. In the meantime, Dwayne just wants me to kill strip club managers. Sigh...what to do?? What would you do?

Dwayne...look how sad he is. Should I put him out of his misery?

Playboy X. Look how happy and stupid he is!! Would he even know what hit him? Anyway, to take out my anger at being faced with such a tough decision, I beat the crap out of a hooker and went home.
Update: Playboy ate it.