I have been struggling with whether or not I should put this out in the open for some time now. What I am about to write is about me, only a different me. One that is so far removed from myself today, something for which I am very grateful. I always want to tell the truth on my blog. I want to write and not hold back. This blog is for me: to remind me of where I have come from, what I have gone through, and what I will experience until my time here on this earth is up. I write about the funny stories of my past and present, but I also write about deeper, sometimes darker times in my life. This story details the darkest. Read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.
Back to high school. Back to insecurity and anxiety, and feeling like I was always on the periphery. I decided that I didn't care: not about how anyone looked at me, or about what anyone thought of me. I was doing this for me.
After enrolling I got a call from the principal asking my mother and I to come to a meeting with him that week. We went, not knowing what it was for. We soon found out that because I had been expelled from the school almost FOUR years ago, I had a lot of paperwork to sign. Paperwork that made me promise super sweet with a cherry on top that I would be good, and not ruin my teacher's lives. GAWD. So much for a clean slate right?
It was the first day and we were all supposed to find our names on big lists on the wall, to see which class was our homeroom. My name was not on any of the lists. They forgot to enroll me. And if that wasn't deterring me at all, they kept telling me to come back the next day and they would have a spot for me, but they didn't. For an entire week. Was someone trying to tell me something? Because I was not feeling accepted with open arms back to high school, when it was already one of the hardest decisions I had made at the time.
It was the next week that I was finally placed into a class. The class was already under way when I knocked on the door, explaining that I belonged there. There was no desk fo me so I had to go and ask another teacher if she had an extra one, which I had to drag into the other room. With EVERYONE staring at me. So much for not feeling insecure. Since my high school career had ben all over the place up to that point, I was in grade 10, 11, 12, and OAC classes. Grade 10. When I was almost 19-years-old. Grade 10 where everyone is 14 or 15. Sweet Jesus. The worst part of this was that I was in my little brother's grade 10 math class. I would ask him questions all the time and some of the other kids caught on and asked him if I was his girlfriend. Seriously, this was not okay.
But, it wasn't all bad. A lot of the same teacher's who told me I would end up in jail or dead were still there, and it was nice to show them that I hadn't given up. It was a struggle. It was hard to get back into the abnormal normalcy of high school, and at times it was embarrassing. But I was on the honour roll. I put my head down and ignored everything and worked my ass off. I also met a great guy that I spent close to three years of my life with. It was because of him that I learned what relationships SHOULD be like, and how people SHOULD treat each other. He was my first glimpse of what the word 'healthy' meant when it comes to people being together, and I am forever grateful to him for that. Of course with many things that come into being when two people are young, it ended. But nicely. Normally. And we are still friends today. So going back to high school wasn't a total write-off. I was with good people, I made the honour roll and I got a scholarship to university. Of which I got accepted to every single one I applied to. Looks like I wasn't a write-off either, and it boosted my confidence to know that I pulled it off.
The rest is history. I took a loooong time to finish university (5 years to complete a 3 year degree program), but I didn't care. Figuring it took me 7 years to get through high school, I believe I came out ahead. And really, what was the rush? This has become my motto in life. There is never any rush. For anything.
I graduated and I moved to a wonderful, vibrant city that I love. I have a nice apartment and I like to eat, so it's nice that I can. I have my family and friends and that is the most important thing in this world to me. I am with an amazing person who I love with every fiber of my being and there is no rushing, only lots of love and respect, and laughing.
I think I turned out alright. I have learned a lot about life, and I have made mistakes and fixed them to the best of my ability. What excites me to no end is that I have so much more to learn.