A few weeks ago Dave and I went to the symphony. It was Beethoven's 9th, and Dave was pretty excited to see it (again). This day had not been kind to me, so I was hoping that I could just sit back and enjoy the music, and relax a bit before we went out for dinner.
Disclaimer: I don't really love classical music. I don't hate it, I don't love it. I am comme ci comme ca about it. Dave is a big fan, so it's nice that we can go together sometimes.
And I do really love Roy Thomson Hall. It's very pretty and there are always a lot of things to look at. The only weird thing about it is because of the acoustics, and I assume that it's supposed to be this way?, the music sounds very muffled. And I don't like quiet muffled music. I want loud and crashy.
This is the face of someone about to have a meltdown of sorts. Just warning you!
I like watching this part the most: when everyone is converging on stage and people are still taking their seats in the audience...you can feel the excitement in the air.
And then the meltdown happened. I had a crazy panic attack right when the music started. Oh dear. I think it was the fact that I was so exhausted and so starving, that my body was just like, nope! Eff you, you are not going to be allowed to sit here and relax. Exhaustion and starvation are the fuel that feed my crazy brain, and it was inevitable, almost bound to happen. The fact that I was expecting it probably didn't help matters.
Thankfully I was able to wait until intermission which was only a few minutes away, and I tore my way out of there like my ass was on fire. Again, oh dear. Everything that I tried to make it stop was not working: breathing, talking myself down, none of it was on my side on this evening.
So this is what I did instead.
I sat in the empty hallway for the rest of the show, alone with my thoughts. They had the symphony playing over the speakers, so it was nice that I didn't get to miss it completely. Kind of a bummer that I wasn't in there with Dave, but I felt like if I had tried to go back in there, it would have happened again. Oh crazy brain! You are weird and complicated. I like to think that the reason I am nuts this way (I am kidding for the rest of you who are nuts like me) is because I am a creative type. Most creative types are crazy in some capacity right?
So I took pictures out the window, and pictures of myself, and enjoyed listening to the music. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes, you know?
And then when it was over, I had a girly drink. And sweet Jesus it was good. I never have girly drinks (unless you count wine as girly) so I downed this sugary concoction in a matter of a minute. P.S- alcohol and sugar are both the WORST things a person who has panic attacks can consume, so, zero points for not being a brainiac on this matter. I know these things, yet I choose to ignore them. Cool.
I was feeling better at this point because well, alcohol does that to you (I also ordered a big glass of wine with my girly drink), and because I had eaten something finally. Next order of business was to get home and go to bed.
Which is what we did. We both crashed so hard you might have thought we had been awake for days. All in all it was a nice evening, despite the panic attack. Sometimes shit happens and you deal (or run away in my case) and move on.
Currently I am sitting at my kitchen table, staring out at the dreary day out there. Have I mentioned that I can't wait for Spring? I need some sunshine in my life!
Do you suffer from panic attacks? If so, how do you deal with them?