according to my mom, my biological father was Steven Seagal's ponytail from "Marked For Death"
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) March 26, 2014
Being hot in a bikini looks exhausting.
— Erin (@PortlandiaGirl) March 25, 2014
A maple dip doughnut with a double double is just as good as a Canadian passport.
— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) March 26, 2014
Sending 20 text messages explaining how you aren’t crazy sounds very counterproductive to me.
— ☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ (@That_Damn_Duck) March 25, 2014
If at first you don't succeed, enroll at the University of Phoenix.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) March 24, 2014
I will probably use reverse psychology and you will probably like it.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) March 24, 2014
Just heard the new Ke$ha song and now it burns when I pee. Is that normal?
— Sarah ... (@saraheliza83) March 3, 2013
I'm at my most gangster when I lift my shirt at Starbucks to show the barista my "Latte Life" belly tattoo & flash the deuces sign for 2%.
— JC (@Sisyphus_13) March 20, 2014
Sorry I brought Get Well Soon balloons to your baby shower
— Hyper Harper (@Harpers_Halo) March 23, 2014
I would have asked for a second date, but you said amazeballs.
— J€®M ¡§ M€ (@jergarl) March 21, 2014