Here's Where I Take The Posting Plunge

by - September 06, 2009

I was talking to my good friend John today and somehow we got onto the topic of depression. This has been something very close to my heart and mind as of late, as I have just started admitting that I myself, am depressed. Now, just after typing that line I wanted to erase it. Or at least follow it with something like, "Now don't get me wrong, I am not depressed depressed. I am just in...a rut".

But I didn't. Because I am starting to accept that it is okay to be depressed. There is nothing wrong with feeling depressed and I am not sure why I ever thought there was. I remember the first time I ever suffered from depression, it was my third year of university and I had been through a lot. My grandmother (who I was very close to) died that year, and my boyfriend and I had broken up. And I was depressed. And SO not admitting it. But really...why would I deny that I was? I had been through some hard things and instead of embracing how I was feeling and seeking help for myself, I chose to deny that I was 'unable to handle' my own emotions.

I suppose my greatest question is: why are we made to feel like there is something wrong with us when we admit to our depression? The age old response when you admit to anyone that you are suffering from depression is 'Oh don't worry, you will get over it', or 'Well just try to be more positive about things in your life' and then poof!! It's all fixed right? Wrong.

I am one of the lucky ones who does not suffer thoughts of suicide nor do I believe that this world will be a much better place without me in it. I suffer in a way that I believe so many people out there suffer. I suffer from a kind of depression that makes me feel neither very sad, or very happy. I do not hate my life, and I am able to enjoy many things. It is very hard to describe because when you do, you feel as if people are judging you thinking 'God, this person has nothing wrong with her life, why the fuck is she complaining?' and I even feel that way about myself too. But my reasons are my own, just as another person's reasons are their own. Nobody knows what is going on in another person's head, and I try to remember this as much as I can in the hope that it makes me a better human being, to understand other people's actions.

The point of me writing this in a post is so that I can take an active approach to my depression. I have started counselling as of late and I find that this has helped me quite a bit. I am hoping that I can get more extensive counselling in the near future. I believe that no one can help a person who is going through something like this, you can only help yourself. I also do not wish to take any drugs to help me feel 'better' (and please please believe me when I say that I DO NOT think there is anything wrong with people who do). I wish to learn ways in which to better deal with the things that I go through. And for the first time in a long time, admitting to myself that I feel this way has made me so positive and happy that I am taking time out for my mental health. We exercise, we go to the dentist, we go to the doctor when we are sick in order to ensure our optimum well-being...why wouldn't we treat depression in the same way?

So thank you to the two people who have read this. I hope that I can inspire someone else who is not feeling quite right with themselves to take action and find out what might be wrong. As well, I will post more about the steps that I am taking to try and help myself out through a more natural approach.

Thanks for reading!

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