There Are Some Things You Should Never Admit

by - October 26, 2009

But I am not one of those people to hide anything.  I am an open book: what you see is what you get.

For some strange reason today, as myself and my colleagues (friends) were all eating lunch together we were talking about strange things we have eaten in our lives.  And Dave turned to me and said, "It blows me away how you can just blindly eat things".  Now, first of all, I don't do that ANYMORE.  Secondly, at the time that I did do these things I was either a) a child, or b) a very stoned teenager.

Here is my compilation list of things I have either chewed and ate, or just put in my mouth (that's enough now) because it was fun to do:

  1. Ants.  I have told the full story here, but for those of you who want the short and sweet: I made a bowl of popcorn, placed it on my windowsill to save it for later and came back and ate it all.  Along with the colony of red ants that had infiltrated the bowl.

  2. Cat poo.  Cut me some slack people I was a baby.  And my mother was being neglectful.  She only realized what I had done when she noticed brown poo smeared all over my face.  And then she gave me up for adoption.

  3. Toenails.  Again, a popcorn fiasco gone wrong.  I was at a friends house and I was hungry.  There was half a bowl of popcorn sitting on the table and I wanted it.  I asked her when it had been made and she shrugged and said 'today'.  So I asked if I could have it, proceeding to shove handfuls of it in my mouth.  And then I actually opened my douchebag eyes and saw that someone had cut their toenails into the bowl.  Tasty.

  4. Gum.  Sounds alright right? Nope.  Remember those tubes of gum you squeezed to get the goodness out?  Well someone had squeezed one all over the side of a fence.  And I just thought that was wasteful.  So I picked all the dirty brown gum away and found a pink treasure underneath, just waiting for me to enjoy.

  5. Worms.  I didn't actually eat these but I thought it was hilarious to put them in my mouth and open wide to show all my friends.  Of course the girls squealed in digust but all the boys thought I was AWESOME.

  6. Not so gross but equally as disturbing, the Host.  That's right.  The body of Christ.  I was waiting for a friend's dad to be finished what he was doing at church one day and we got hungry.  So we snuck into the little prayer room the priests use for their prep and found a whole tupperware container of that shit.  And we ate ALL of it.  I am going straight to hell.  In a handbasket.

  7. And the pièce de résistance, a tampon applicator.  I will wait a second for you all to puke.  Finished? Ok.  I was at the movies with a friend and I was chewing on a straw.  We went to the washroom and I placed my straw on the counter (ummm can you say vomit? I can't, there is vomit filling my mouth) and when I was done washing my hands I grabbed my straw and continued chewing.  Only when we sat back down did I realize that the 'straw' I was chewing on was a little thicker than I remembered.  I pulled it out of my mouth and it was, you guessed it.  Why someone put one of those on the counter is beyond me.  What a sick person!

And I have just admitted some of the grossest things ever to you people.  Think you can top it?  Go for it.

P.S.-Wanna make out?

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